I’ve made a new tumblr if you want to follow me i’ll be ginkgoforest

okay this will be my last post lol

turns out i cant make this tumblr private so i’ll just be changing the name and logging out. i’ll come back here if i ever decide to delete or create another tumblr. 

dont know what to do with this tumblr anymore. i’ll probably just leave the site altogether soon. but i liked this platform just because i’m used to writing long rants and stuff that’s on my mind. idk. i think i’ll go private here soon and then log out and delete the app whenever i remember to or commit. 

I have too many distractions. It’s time to clean shop. I’ll be making this tumblr private soon and deleting the app off of my tablet. Might even delete my twitter. Maybe. Maybe not. But if I do decide to return to tumblr, it’ll be on another account. Actually, I’ll just leave this tumblr public until I decide if I want to return to tumblr or not. So for now, I’ll just be deleting the app.

I actually spend a lot of time on soundcloud now so go follow me there if you want. I’ve been obsessed with music lately. kinjoleef is my username.

Tumblr has been fun. But if I ever return, it’ll just be for inspiration.

It’s weird. I get commended at work a lot. Today especially. One person said that I’m the only one who does actual work and gets things done. And when I worked for another department for a little, the supervisor there wanted me to stay in her department and continue working for her. And I guess I like being recognized for putting in more effort than others. But I feel like the standard is so low. Other student assistants just stay on their phones and watch videos on the computer when they’re supposed to be working. And I’m guilty of doing that as well. But not as often as everyone else. I just listen to music and work. I try to do things properly and I ask questions and I try to understand what I’m actually doing. So while I like being commended by the older people at work for my hard work, it’s just a reminder of how shallow that conpliment is considering my surroundings and how my hard work is not equating to a better pay than the other student assistants. Makes me want to get a better job that is related to my major. But, while I’m still taking classes, this job is too convenient and lax for me to give it up.

anxiety series #2

I’m pretty sure I’m a night person. I tend to work much better when it’s late at night. Today was a great example of this. I came back from school and tried to work on homework but couldn’t focus at all. But once it was after midnight and I went to work, I was in a zone and solved problems that were confusing me earlier. Is this simply because I was working at night? Or was it because of something else? I can’t really stay up later cause my day always starts at 8AM so shifting my schedule is kind of out of the question. But I could adjust. I could possibly do something where I sleep once I get back home around 5. Or split my sleep into two. I did that high school for a stretch of time but I don’t think that kind of sleeping schedule would be healthy. But isn’t it expected of us to have this 9 to 5 schedule? Sometimes I feel like I’m more productive when I wake up earlier. But sometimes I’m not. I want to be able to be more flexible in my schedule but school and work kind of prevent that. I want to have a sleeping schedule that would benefit me as a night person but I dunno. Would it work? During transitioning I would risk having a really shitty sleeping schedule for a week or so. I might miss classes. I might feel really shitty. What if it doesn’t work? How long would I commit to it? Is this topic really anxiety? I dunno. But thinking about it gets me stressed out. I’m tired. Good night.

anxiety series #1

I was gonna write about something else but I feel like that topic would take longer and I don’t have much time to write during the weekdays. So here’s a simple one that is affecting me today. I get super self-conscious and anxious about exercising in the gym in my apartment building. I don’t want to be seen by other people while I’m so out of shape. I don’t want to be looked at while I’m running. Am I not running fast enough? Am I not doing this properly? I don’t often use a treadmill so I don’t really know what to set the speed at. I don’t want to be seen fumbling around with the controls while other people are just waiting to use it. I would just be a nuisance. An inexperienced and out of shape nuisance. When I work out, I’m overly conscious about my surroundings. I can’t just be focused on my self and my workout. That’s why I want to listen to music while I work out. But do I use my bluetooth earphones or wired headphones? But my bluetooth earphones are big and stand out and I’m gonna look weird. I also need to use my tablet but I don’t have any music on there and I won’t be connected to wifi in the gym. Also my tablet is big and people might think I’m weird if I bring in a huge tablet. But my wired heaphones will bob up and down while I run. I’ll look weird. It’ll be annoying.

There are some other anxieties I have about this but I’ll keep it shorter. I know I’m worrying too much with these questions and concerns and such but I can’t help it. I just need to go and use the gym more and get used to it but it’s just hard to start. … Maybe tomorrow? Hopefully I’m up for it.

anxiety series #0

I wanted to write about the things that make me anxious and how it affects my life. I only just recently realized that a lot of my behavior is influenced by anxiety. I didn’t even know that anxiety was considered a mental health disorder. I knew about depression but I just thought people were just “anxious” in the same way people could be depressed from time to time. Personally, I don’t want to say that I suffer from anxiety. Maybe I am but I feel like I just don’t understand enough about mental health in general to really self-diagnose myself like that. And I also don’t want to use it as an excuse. Ever. I’ve always been timid and shy and hesitant but I’m trying to change that. If I ever use the term “anxiety” in this series of posts, I really just mean “anxious behavior”. Again, I haven’t been officially diagnosed but I notice that a lot of my behavior can be attributed to me feeling very anxious. So, I’ve decided to just use this tumblr (which I barely use) as a place where I can write about this. I’m going to try to be as open and honest as possible but I might not follow that sometimes. But I’ll honestly try. I think it’s important to talk as openly as possible about these things because you never know who else is going through the same things. I think if I knew that other people were going through the same struggles and issues I had when I was younger, that would’ve been really helpful. Anyways, to anyone interested and reading this right now, get ready to learn a lot more about me.

As a side note, I’ll just be writing these posts in one go so they might be all over the place and not incredibly concise. Also, they might not have proper grammar and such. So yeah. Anything goes, really.

Man reading these scripts justnmake me want to write more but im not great at writing so i woukd need to read more but thatnrequires time but i spend time watching videos so like i do have the tjme but i also want to edit yeah fuck me am i rite

Im trying to be more open here about my life and the kind of troubles im encountering so i can look back on it but its just not a part of my routine and so i never end up writing anything cause i just focus on solving my problems. Which is good. Thinking about just writing a series about my anxieties. Things that i tend to think about a lot. But i also want to remake my tumblr. But i barely use it anyways. But i still want to remake. Get it more organized. Make it more personal and art-based. I just gotta grind for school for a lil bit and maybe i’ll have some time to do so. I dunno. Hope you guys enjoy this update on my life. Make sure to smash those like and subscribe buttons if you want to see more content like this. It may not seem like it but doing those things really support the channel and helps us put out more amazing content. Am i funny